If both are repulsive choose the hotter one!
by Skyline Romance
Summary: A HUMOUR PARODY of Phantom of the Opera the movie! This is HYSTERICAL! And I am not just saying that! By author Previously Myrtle Riddle
1. Prologue

Hello All Readers!

This is a Fiction that myself (Myrtle Riddle) and 6 other friends wrote in our spare time last year. It is a humorous parody of the Phantom of the Opera MOVIE! Not the book! It is split into 14 Scenes all of which contain humour and possibly minor fluff! We would highly recommend reading it out loud with or without friends.

This was our cast:

Madame Giri: Monty Python Grl

Phantom: Back in Hiding

Christine Daae: Cinnabun

Raoul : Talia

New theatre manager: Galateagirl

Meg: Monty Python Grl

Carlotta: Gothika ROCK HARD

Random persons: Skyline Romance

Have Fun!

Skyline, Monty, Talia, Back, Cinny, Galatea, & Gothika!


	2. Scene 1

**Scene one.**

1854 (?)

(overture)

Carlotta: This is an outrage! It is a scandal! I demand a darker shade of lipstick! What is the matter with you fools!

Maid: So sorry Madame… I will get another one for you.

Carlotta: NO! Leave me! Stop this! I demand to be left alone!

Maid: at once miss.

(Leaves)

Carlotta: WHY ARE YOU LEAVING? Did I ask you to leave! Do you want me to get irritated!

Maid: sorry miss, but… nothing.

(Stays)

Carlotta: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE! Get me my lipstick! Get me my doggie!

End of scene


	3. Scene 2

**Scene 2**

(Christine and Meg are practicing a dance.)

Christine: Left foot.

Meg: That's left (after checking her fingers)

Christine: Kick, jump, and spin

Meg: (falls down) I can't get it right!

Christine: Do it without me so I can see what you are doing wrong.

Meg: Kick (kicks Christine), and jump (falls on Christine) and spin! (Smacks Christine) There!

(Enter old theatre manager)

OTM: girls…

Christine: WHAT! I mean… how are you?

OTM: Fine thank you. Come out and meet the new manager.

Meg: right away.

End of scene


	4. Scene 3

**Scene 3**

OTM: attention! Meet your new theatre manager!

(Enter NTM)

N: Simply _lovely_ to meet you all!

(Trips over himself)

N: Oh! Oops! I was just… making an acquaintance with the floor! It is important to meet everyone… and every_thing_ in your new theatre!

OTM: I would also like to introduce you to our new financer.

(Enter Raoul) (Playing 'Dude (Look Like a Lady) as he runs in)

(Christine gasps)

Meg: Who is that? He's hot!

Christine: He was my boyfriend… when we were six. Now he has come back for me!

Meg: So… you like him then.

Christine: Of course!

Raoul jumps in: I'm David Hassel... Raoul! Yes Raoul! That's it!

(Enter Carlotta)

Carlotta: Stop everything! Stop talking! Stop laughing! Stop yelling! Stop breathing! You! Stop bothering me! I have an announcement! (sees Raoul)  
Oooooooh! I just forgot and stopped caring what I was going to say… Hello muffin, hello baby, hello Chou Chou! (Pinching his cheek)

Raoul: please… BACK OFF LADY!

Carlotta: IMPERTINENT LITTLE BEETLE! I STEP ON YOU! (smashing his toes under her heel) If you do not appreciate me, I do not appreciate you! There is no appreciation AT ALL! Get my doggie we're leaving!

N: Wait, Miss Carlotta! I heard you had a marvelous aria in the 3rd act. Would you be obliged to sing it for us?

Carlotta: Weeell… I guess this show isn't anything much without me… if you wish (with a sigh)

(Sings 'Think of Me')

(Phantom runs throws something at her then disappears)

Carlotta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Meg: It's the phantom! It's the ghost of the opera!

N: are you all right? Can you breathe? Are you choking! Can I help you? (Says to himself) Well, I've known for a long time that I COULD help you, but that's OK.

Carlotta: (shoves N away) Get me my doggie! GET ME MY DOGGIE!

Meg: She's fine… unfortunately.

N: I'm sorry Miss, but these things do happen.

Carlotta: These things do happen? THESE THNGS DO HAPPEN? For the last 3 years 'these things do happen'! And you are just as bad as him (gesturing wildly at OTM)! Until you can stop these things from happening, THIS thing, does not happen! Get my doggie we're really leaving this time! (Stomps offstage)

OTM: Well… if you need me I will be sailing the pacific… looking for ATLANTIS!

MG: Look, a note. (Picks up a note with a red stamp on it saying 'Guess Who?') Listen. "My salary has not been paid yet and I am displeased. I expect you to continue what the old manager has started. PS, it includes interest. Signed, PTO".

N: Salary! What salary! I was not informed of a salary at my job interview!

MG: You must leave 1 billion, trillion yen! And box 5 must be left empty.

N: What?

MG: Right! 25 thousand francs.

N: Francs! This is an outrage! A scandal! The paparazzi will have a field day!

MG: You would prefer it in euros?

N: What are euros?

MG: Men are SO clueless.

(MG storms out, Meg strolls in)

Meg: We might as well have Christine do this 'cause she's the only one left who can sing.

Christine: I'm gonna have to think about this.

N: you will be the star!

Christine: Well... I guess so.

End of scene


	5. Scene 4

**Scene 4**

('Think of Me'.)

(In the dressing room)

PTO: (offstage) Brava, brava, bravissima.

Christine: Angel?

Meg: Christine?

(Sing beginning of angel of music)

(Exit Meg. Enter MG)

MG: (handing her a rose with a black ribbon) He is pleased with you.

(Exit MG)

(Christine sits at her bureau)

(Enter Raoul)

Raoul: Hello, Little Lottie. It is I, Superma… Raoul! That's it Raoul! (to himself) Why can I never remember my name!

Christine: Raoul!

(Run toward each other in slow motion with open arms… and shake hands)

Raoul: You were really really really really really good. Let me take you out for a magical night of dinner. To Wendy's! I've got coupons!

Christine: Let me change. I'll be out in 10 minutes.

Raoul: I'll be back with fine horses. TO THE PETTING ZOO!

(Exit R)

P: Idiot.

Christine: Forgive me; my soul was weak.

P: (sung) Insolent fool! Your brave young suitor. Basking in your glory!

Christine: Angel of music, speak, I listen. Show to me your glory.

P: I watched your face from the shadows. Distant through all the applause. Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside!

Christine: Angel of music hide no longer.

P: I am your angel of music.

Christine: (dreamily) what?

P: I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC!

Christine: Oh.

P: Come to me angel of music. I am your angel of music.

(She knocks over mirror) (He pulls her in.)

(A single black gloved hand props it up and then disappears.)

End of scene


	6. Scene 5

**Scene 5**

(Sing phantom of the opera)

P: Welcome! So (raises eyebrows suggestively) … wadda ya think?

Christine: it's nice… if you go for the whole 'I've-never-seen-the-light-of-day-and-would-prefer-to-bask-in-my-own-self-loathing' thing… are you some sort of Goth?

P: yea, well… (awkward silence)

C: soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… (more awkward silence) what do you do for fun around here?

P: Nothing you would want to know about.

C: But-

P: SILENCE! You are here to serve me… you belong to me!

Christine: Yes. I am your humble servant. I am here to obey.

P: You will be mine. (Moves toward her and Christine faints. Phantom tries to prop her upright, can't do. Phantom tries to drag her away, but can't and covers her with blanket)

End of scene


	7. Scene 6

**Scene 6**

(Phantom rolls Christine onto a stretcher and then onto a boat)

(Returns her to her room)

Christine: (wakes up in her bed) I remember a masked face. Boats and candles, darkness, gloom. And in my dream, I saw a man…

Raoul: (Pounding on the door) Christine, who's in there? I am prepared to fight to the last man!

Christine: (opens door) I saw him! My angel of music! He was here! He took me to his secret lair! HE CAN'T INTERIOR DESIGN TO SAVE HIS LIFE!

Raoul: Christine, you must have been dreaming. (Christine sighs) What about our plans for dinner! We missed our reservation!

Christine: It was Wendy's.

End of scene


	8. Scene 7

**Scene 7 **

N: (To himself) What is this note? (Reading aloud) "I have taken a personal interest in the course of Miss Daae's career. If you do not cast her as the Countess and Carlotta as the pageboy, doom will fall on you." Signed, PTO.

(Carlotta enters)

Carlotta: What is this note?

N: What note?

Carlotta: (claps hands and maid comes in with a silver platter on which is a letter with a red stamp). _This_ note! Listen! "You will be cast as the silent pageboy. Do not claim the role of Countess, for doom will fall on you if you try to." Signed, The Opera Ghost. Who wrote this? Did you?

N: Certainly not! This is an outrage! Who would have the guts to do this?

(Raoul enters)

Raoul: What is this note?

Carlotta & N: What note?

Raoul: _This_ note! Listen! "I will now inform you that Carlotta will be cast as the silent pageboy and that Miss Daae will be cast as the lead. Do not try to interfere. Make no further attempts to see Miss Daae. P.S. Your mother was a hamster." Signed, PTO.

Carlotta and N: PTO?

(MJ enters)

MJ: What is this note?

All (but MJ): What note?

MJ: _This_ note! Listen! "I am sorry, but Christine Daae will not be participating in the dance tonight. Do not ask why, if you want your life." Signed, The Opera Ghost.

N: Too many notes for my taste.

Carlotta: And most of them about Christine.

Raoul: We were hardly bereft, when Carlotta left… (Carlotta "humphs")

MJ: PTO. And no one likes a debtor so it's better if my orders are obeyed!

N: Anyhow, can "PTO" do much? Probably just a silly little maid, playing a prank? Carlotta will play the countess. Who cares what "The Opera Ghost" says? Your public needs you, my dear!

Carlotta: Why don't you get your _precious_ little_ Christine_ to play the countess? Get my doggie. We're leaving.

Raoul: YES! I mean… please… stay. There is no one else with your… talents.

N: Yes, please. You are our star, our diva, our Prima Donna.

Carlotta: I don't know.

(Raoul gives flowers and she pushes them away. MJ gives chocolate; she takes one and pushes the rest away. R gives beautiful necklace; she puts it on and turns up her nose. N gives dog…)

Carlota: (smiling) If my manager commands. Give me my doggy!

End of scene


	9. Scene 8

**Scene 8**

(Maid, manager, and Raoul, and MJ are surrounding Carlotta with brushes, powder, perfume, and fake flowers)

Later

(Carlotta is singing onstage. Christine comes enters dressed as a pageboy. )

Carlotta: (hisses) You're standing in my way, you little toad!

P: (offstage) A toad, hmm? Soon we will see who is really the toad. (One black-gloved comes and takes Carlotta's bottle of throat spray. After a few seconds, the hand returns it)

Intermission

Carlotta: you! Out of my way! Stop breathing on me! Give me my throat spray! GET IT IN MY MOUTH! Always on my chin. Why on my chin?

(hurries back onstage)

Carlotta: (singing) Oh, fool he makes me laugh. Ha ha ha ha! Ah a a a AHHHH (voice cracks on the last note, begins nervously again) Ah a a a a a a a a a a AH (Voice cracks) AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Screams this) I've been poisoned! (Screams) I'VE BEEN POISONED! (Runs offstage screaming)

(Manager comes on, dragging Christine)

N: That _was_ part of the play. Do not panic. I repeat, do not panic! (Screams heard from offstage) That's also part of the play. Err, the role of the countess will now be played by Miss Christine Daae, after this brief intermission.

Christine: Raoul! It's not safe here! Run!

Raoul: Never fear. Hercule… Raoul is here! Let's play ping-pong on the roof!

End of scene


	10. Scene 9

**Scene 9**

(On the roof)

Raoul: Now… where is that ping-pong table?

Christine: I've seen him Raoul! And he doesn't like ping-pong!

Raoul: I've been around some pretty sick and twisted things in my life, but this goes too far! (Takes Christine's hand. Then squirts Purell on his hand and wipes it on his pants) Christine. I love you.

Christine: Well I don't.

Raoul: How can you not be attracted to my long, wavy locks and dashing sideburns? (Cast jumps onstage and sings "Burns baby burns!")

Christine: Well, I was kidding.

Raoul: Say you love me. Me, Michael Jackso…Raoul! RAOUL, DAMMIT! RAOUL! That's all I ask of you. (Exit)

P: (Half crying) You will regret the day you did not do all the phantom asked of you. (Crumbles red rose and throws it)

End of scene


	11. IMPORTANT NOTE! MUST READ!

Hello this is Myrtle here!

I am terribly sorry for the wait but you will all have to wait until September when I get my school laptop back for more scenes because they are saved on there and I cannot access them during the summer.

Once again my apologies,

Myrtle Riddle


	12. Scene 10

**Scene 10**

(In the graveyard)

(She walks towards the graveyard to a tomb on which Daae is inscribed. She sings first verse of "Wishing you were somehow here Again".)

Christine: Hi daddy. (smiles weakly as tears roll down her cheeks and she lays flowers on the grave)

Phantom: (singing) I am your angel of music. Come to me angel of music.

Raoul: (comes in with a sword and an enormous black moustache on his face) Christine! I don't know who you think this, but he is definitely not your daddy! (Scratches an 'R' in the snow) But never fear! It is I, Elmo… Raoul! In boots!

(Phantom jumps out and they have a swordfight. Raoul punches Phantom in the face and he falls)

Raoul: Come Christine! We must leave this place! (Carries her out)

Phantom: So be it. Now it is war upon you both!

(Swings his cape around, trips, falls, stands up, sniffs, and then disappears.)

End of scene


	13. Scene 11

**Scene 11**

("Masquerade")

Christine: look, a secret engagement.

Raoul: what have you got to hide? I am way to hot for everyone. Let them know that we are engaged so that I will break every pathetic little woman's heart that can stand to come within 4 feet of my superior hotness. Now please, come dance?

(Play Jessie's Girl, MJ dances the Macarena, song stops abruptly)

(Unanimous gasp)

P: hello good sirs, did you miss me? Did you think I was gone forever? I live in your freaking opera house for God's sake! Anyway, I have written you an opera… DON JUAN TRIUMPHANT! As you may have guessed, Miss Daae will play the part of Aminta and Carlotta will not.

Carlotta: this is an outrage! I-

P: do you want another episode like last time, Miss Toad?

Carlotta: that was you!

P: duh. My point is, make my opera and cast Christine as lead, or a tragedy beyond the furthest bounds of your imagination will occur.

(Overture plays and he disappears)

(Reappears)

P: I forgot 3 things… box 5 must be left empty, you have forgotten to pay me my money, and lastly…

(Walks over to Christine and snatches the necklace holding her engagement ring from around her neck.)

P: you belong to ME!

(Disappears)

(Music starts again and everyone continues dancing except for Christine. Raoul starts to dance but she stops him.)

Christine: why didn't you help me? Why didn't you get rid of him while he was here! WHY ARE YOU STILL DANCING!

Raoul: I felt that that would ruin the moment if I were to help (make kissy-faces at his reflection in the glass).

Christine: STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR! I'm afraid. Can't you fix that?

Raoul: No

End of scene


	14. Scene 12

**Scene 12**

Raoul: I have a plan!

N: Oh do shut up.

Carlotta: Darling! I could be the lead!

Raoul: NO! I have a different plan! We shall make his opera! We shall cast Christine as Aminta! We shall leave Box 5 empty! We shall line the theater with armed guards! We shall make sure the guards have ammunition! We shall make sure they use it when the phantom appears! We shall get drunk to celebrate the phantom's capture and death!

Carlotta: You little BEETLE! I thought you loved me!

Raoul: Hell no! I mean, Jerry Springer…Raoul, yes that's it, Raoul, loves Christine more.

Carlotta: Get me my doggie! (Exit)

N: Well, get on with it!

Raoul: That's the plan.

N: So you're saying that we'll do whatever the ghost wants and then get drunk after to celebrate.

Raoul: Well, basically, yes.

N: I oppose gun violence and alcohol.

Raoul: Don't worry; I will see that you do not get drunk.

N: If you're still concious.

End of scene


	15. Scene 13

**Scene 13**

(Christine comes on and sings the beginning of "The Point of no Return". She leaves)

Phantom: The phantom makes his entrance. (Snaps mask on face, gives a yell of pain, straightens his mask, then leaves)

N: (To MJ) Going pretty well, isn't it?

MJ: Yes, if you don't count Carlotta throwing a tantrum and heavy props backstage.

(Screams heard from offstage. A book and one of Carlotta's dogs fall onstage)

N: Oh dear. That does not sound very pleasant. (Exit. Meg comes on)

Meg: (Speaking to someone off stage. Her comments are met with in articulate screams) No Carlotta, I did not try to make you lose your place as a diva. Yes, I know I am Christine's friend. I did not have a hand in casting her as the lead. Yes, I know you are very displeased. No, I did not blackmail anyone to deprive you of your diva-ness. NO, the phantom has not possessed me. No, my brains were not addled with drugs. (A fan hits Meg on the head from offstage. Meg runs off)

(The Phantom joins Christine on stage and they sing the rest of "Past the Point of no Return" together. Phantom then gently takes Christine's hands in his and pulls her closer to him.)

P: say you want me for the rest of our lives. Let me go anywhere you go. Say you want me with you now and always. Say you'll love me every waking moment. Let me be your shelter. Turn my head with words of love. Promise me that all you've said is true. (He puts a ring on her finger) Christine… that's all I ask of you!

(Christine reaches up to stroke his face, but quickly pulls off his mask. He bears a striking resemblance to Brad Pitt.)

All: AHHHH! (Some of the actors on the stage pass out, and others run away, sick to their stomachs. Christine realizes it is just another mask and pulls it off. The face underneath looks just like that of Johnny Depp. Every woman in the building swoons.)

MJ: Can't you all see something is wrong? He's not supposed to be a hottie! (Christine can't remove her eyes from the Phantom and is beginning to drool.)

Phantom: The lady is right. This is my extra mask, in case of an emergency.

All: RIP IT OFF!

Christine: but… but… it's just too beautiful!

Meg: then I'll do it!

(Meg rips it off. Oh no! It looks like… like… like LEONARDO DICAPRIO)

All: AHH! (Christine faints)

Phantom: You are mine! (Picks up Christine and disappears with her through a hole in the floor.)

End of Scene


	16. Scene 14

**Scene 15 **

Phantom: So, my pretty one in my power at last!

Christine: No I'm not! Leave me alone!

Raoul: (enters) You're both wrong. I'm the prettiest!

Phantom: You _will_ regret following us here.

Raoul: She is mine don't touch her!

Phantom: The only way to settle this is…

Raoul: YES! Two out of three, and may the best man win! (draw swords, fling them down, then hold out fists in a killer game of rock-paper-scissors-shoot. Both get rocks, both get paper, both get scissors, then phantom breaks Raoul's hand)

Phantom: Hah! Scissors cut paper! I win! Loser!

Christine: You know what _I_ have to say about this? (Both listen expectantly) I have nothing to say about this. BUT, if both are repulsive in some way or another, why don't you just get the hotter one?

(Her eyes dart back and forth between the phantom, who is standing tall, and Raoul… who is huddling in the fetal position. She closes her eyes and shakes her head, but goes and stands next to the Phantom.)

Phantom: Ha! Victory is mine! (Both sweep offstage)

Raoul: (sob) Masquerade! Paper faces on parade. Masquerade. Hide your face so the world will never find you! Curse you, Phantom! (Start throwing compact mirrors into the water. Then stand and sing). It's over now, the music of the night! (Trip and fall in the water) ARGH!

Carlotta: (With dog) I'll never forget you darling! (Throw dog) I'm coming! (Dip foot in water and shiver) OK, I'm coming a little slower than I thought! (Dive in water)

Finis


	17. Thanks!

Hey! I hope you enjoyed this fan fiction and you had a chance to enjoy and act out this with your friends!

Xoxo,

Myrtle and Crew


End file.
